The Hammer Continues to Face Zombie Incursions
Although the flu season is recognized to exist from October through May by North American health officials; usually peaking in February, the Public Health Agency of Canada prefers to declare the beginning of the cold and flu season as being in January. It’s hardly a secret now that short lived but devastating zombie outbreaks occur around the world in concurrence with the regular flu season. As a result, the prevailing theory for the cause of the repeated pandemic is a viral source, although World Health Organization experts remain no closer to finding the virus after all these years.
The inability to identify a virus has lead many conspiracy theorists to believe that the outbreaks are due to United States and/or Russian and/or Chinese military bioweapons experiments gone wrong. The military of these nations have all flatly denied the allegations.
The US says several Caribbean Community (CARICOM) countries, including Trinidad and Tobago, Jamaica, Haiti and the Bahamas, have engaged in discriminatory practices against voodoo practitioners, as there is a widening belief that the incursions of resuscitated corpses are due to the casting of voodoo spells.
In its International Religious Freedom Report for 2012, the Department of State says while there were no reports of abuses of religious freedom in Haiti, some members of the voodoo community “complained they did not enjoy the same legal protections as Christians”.
Voodoo, which is widely practiced in Haiti, is often blended with elements of other religions, usually Catholicism.
The leader of a prominent multi-denominational group reported that half the Haitian population practices some form of voodoo, and that leaders and civil society representatives have expressed concern that the passage of a constitutional amendment in May of 2013, could eventually lead to the crimilization of the practice of voodoo and lead to increased discrimination.
But the report says government officials, including the Hatian prime minister, immediately responded to these concerns and stressed that the new amendment would not limit the freedom of religious expression.
It says government officials noted that a 2003 presidential decree recognising voodoo as a religious practice remains in force.
UN and Amnesty International representatives continue to refute the notion that voodoo is the cause of the worldwide zombie attacks.
Domestic Government Action
Sources believed to be close to Canada’s Department of National Defence strongly advise on obtaining copies of The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead which can be easily purchased online through Amazon. As observers from Canada’s Department of Justice and the Canadian Centre for Justice Statistics have expressed concern that many of the recommendations in the guide conflict with the legalities of how Canadian citizens are entitled to protect and defend themselves, the DND has officially stated that it does not advise citizens to rely on the guide and take matters into their own hands.
The DND insists that it is doing all that it can in the prevention of zombie rampages, and is neither confirming nor denying rumors that it has contracted the guide’s author Max Brooks as a consultant in the development of a field manual for the Canadian Armed Forces.
Municipal Response and the Hamilton Zombie Walk
Here at home, City of Hamilton Public Health Services is urging citizens to rely on the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s (CDC’s) range of zombie preparedness guides.
The Hamilton Zombie Walk is a watchdog group of local citizens; mainly artists, that monitors the annual zombie outbreaks. So far, they’ve recorded mass and individual sightings each October in Gore Park, the neighbourhoods of Beasley, North End, Central, Durand, Kirkendall and Strathcona, and at The Staircase Café Theatre, 27 Dundurn Street North. Ward 1 and Ward 2 Councillors remain curious of the HZW’s findings.
The Ward 1 Councillor has expressed that the silver lining in the attacks is that they have significantly reduced the loud late night drunken street fights and vandalism from McMaster University students in the Westdale and Ainslie Wood areas, and the Hess Village pub district. All other parts of the city seem to remain unscathed from zombie activity each year. Only time will tell if that ever changes.
After the 2012 zombie wave in the city, the police Chief submitted an annual report to the Hamilton Police Services Board (HPSB) indicating that zombie attacks in Hamilton have been on a steady decline since 2007, even though the hordes seem to be growing in number. The Chief’s statistics show that this has largely been a result of food drives in cooperation with the Hamilton Food Share charitable organization. The tactic is working to take the zombies focus off of non-zombified citizens and onto donated food. There is strong evidence that the undead can be weaned off of human brain matter and flesh, and onto nutritious canned goods and fresh produce.
Despite the police Chief’s positive report, pleas were made to the Board that the however continuing tide of zombie outbreaks every October called for approval of a 5.25 per cent increase in the Hamilton Police Service’s annual budget in order to better contend with the zombie dilemma. According to people said to be affiliated with Citizens at City Hall (CATCH); the volunteer community group that encourages civic engagement, this and related issues; including an allegation that the HPS has been involved in a cover up lead by the province’s Special Investigations Unit (SIU) of some HPS officers having used captured zombies to terrorize residents, motivated the HPSB and city council to not approve the budget increase in 2013. Arguments of disappointment and denial from the Chief prompted the Ward 8 Councillor to openly call the Chief a “liar” during an HPSB meeting, and refer to the Mayor in expleteives.
The Councillor was temporarily suspended from the HPSB for the misconduct. The Councillor has since made a public apology but the Chief resigned, forcing the HPSB and city Council to begin seeking a replacement who can lead the city’s fight against the zombie attacks. The tremendously insulted Mayor immediately relinquished the position of chair of the Board over the issue and the Chief walked away from the City of Hamilton in 2014.
Since that time, the McMaster University Medical Centre and the university’s Innovation Park have joined the effort to try to find a viral link to the zombie recurrences.
For more information on potential outbreaks and attacks, contact Aaron Allen of the Hamilton Zombie Walk by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.